Retro Gaming: Goldenaxe3 Genesis

Look at me (because you can totally see me) I am not happy at all! This game that I'm about to review, it isn't good, NOTHING in it is worth even 10 cents. So yeah, I'm not gonna pull any jokes since my life is ruined as long as I can't share my misery.

                                                            Goldenaxe 3: Genesis

Everything sucks, EV-ERY-THING sucks!! The graphics, the non-existent story, I mean, even the character SELECTION is horrible!

Ok.... I'm calm so I'll take my time... So starting with the characters, you have, a black guy who's apparently a warrior. There's this ''Thing'' that looks like tarzan on steroids
                                                                                                                         What!!?


You can also choose a very, VERY sexy lady with a sword (two of my favorite things)

You can also choose this fat Derp, I think he's a panther version of the hulk. The only weird thing is that HE LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN WITH A SKIN HACK! I mean, look at the muscle structure... I honestly don't think panthers have Biceps. Gah-Li

 Whatever, moving on, the game's story (if you can even call it that) Is that some evil attackers somehow paralyzed your kingdoms whole army and for some reason they decided not to kill anybody WHAT!?! That's not the half of it, for some unexplained reason, the four previously mentioned characters broke the spell and can keep moving. So, the only logical progression is to attack a whole empire with only one warrior.

The leader, who I call the kim-jong-un of gaming, Isn't even said to exist. So, you're supposed to randomly assume that this person exists and if you didn't already guess, you don't meet him until the end of the game! Why??

speaking of the story, like limbo, it tells the story with silent cutscenes, which is one of my favorite way of presenting a game. But in this game, there is maybe 3 different cutscenes that repeat themselves. And what makes this all worse, is that there is no redemption factor.

 Sure, there's a multiplayer mode, but who would ever want to play this piece of crap with you? and if you do get someone to play with you, they would hate you for the rest of your lives!

So really, this game is only good for torturing people. And for that, I'll give it a 2/10 since the graphics, actually look decent for it's day and age. So, Sucky seal from EpicGuyGames!!!